Alternative Wedding Ceremonies

Can couples keep tradition in a Humanist ceremony?

Absolutely. Tradition is a huge part of society, if it is relevant to a couple that they observe certain traditions, I see no reason why they shouldn’t.

As human beings we are very good at discarding what we don’t think works, therefore things that become tradition are often there for a very important reason. Vows are a public declaration, they hold us accountable – which is something we should be prepared to do on our wedding day.

Similarly some traditions change or alter, for example, a woman is no longer the possession of her father to be handed over to become the possession of her husband, that said, having your dad walk you down the aisle is a beautiful and poignant moment, and one that he has probably envisioned since you were a child. Rather than scrapping this tradition we can acknowledge it for what it is, someone who loves and supports you, affirming your choice of husband. Tradition is often a nod of respect to the history that has come before us, it would be sad to see this abandoned.

Talk us through an example of what would happen during a Humanist ceremony

Unless a couple specifically ask for something different or unusual a humanist wedding ceremony is quite recognisable. There is the usual welcome and arrival of the bridal party. There are vows and ring exchanges. There can be readings and musical performances or songs. There can be singing by everyone gathered. I think the biggest difference is that where there would usually be a sermon or the talk about the legalities of marriage, there is instead a reflection on what love and marriage means to the couple and how they met. This can be funny, poignant, serious, enlightening, whatever best reflects the couple. No matter what, it is always personal and informed.

You have such a wonderful way that you deliver your services Zena. What did you used to do before becoming a Humanist celebrant and how did you get into it?

Thank you so much, that is very kind of you to say.

It seems strange, but everything that I did before I started my Celebrant training seems to have helped me in some way. I studied English and History at University, when I graduated I started working in the theatre as an actress. After a number of years I returned to do a Masters in Advanced Theatre Practice, learning how to create and write new theatre. I started a theatre company that specialised in collaboratively making pieces of work that incorporated all aspects of storytelling, from set design and lighting to sound design and performers’ improvisation. I started being more and more drawn to writing plays and exploring how live performance has a direct and emotional influence on its audience. Around this time two friends of mine asked me to write and conduct their wedding ceremony (in California) as my wedding gift to them. I was delighted. And then daunted. What a responsibility! Being rather nerdy, I spent days researching ceremony and tradition on the internet and slowly put together a ceremony that I thought reflected them both individually and as a couple but also had a nod to tradition. It turned out to be one of the most amazing experiences of my life and a real life changer!

During my research I had become fascinated into why we still need ceremony in an increasingly secular society. My research had allowed me to see that human beings have been using ceremony as a marker for important occasions throughout all cultures and religions. We clearly need it, but why? My current conclusion is that it helps us to articulate emotions that we often find either profound or simply just too difficult to express. Births, deaths, coming of age, love and marriage. I looked into becoming a registrar, but discovered there was a long list of things that you weren’t allowed to do or include within a civil ceremony. Readings weren’t allowed to have any reference to god, religion or spirituality. You couldn’t chose music that had any religious connotations so hymns and some choral works or arias where out of the question. It seemed a shame to me that if you have decided not to get married in a church, the only other option available to you was a ceremony centred around legality and not about the things that would make a ceremony special for the individuals and the guests involved.

So I turned to the British Humanist Association, an organisation I had long admired (after attending a humanist funeral which was a real celebration of the life of the deceased). It was a lengthy screening process (which was reassuring, they don’t just take anyone!) and finally I was accepted onto their 4 month training course. The skills I had learnt in my previous career all stood me in great stead for what I was learning about being a Humanist Celebrant. From simple technical details such as projection of voice (which has come in handy when marrying a couple outdoors, in an orchard, directly under Gatwick’s flight path!) and comfort in front of an audience, to writing collaboratively, both creatively and specifically for couples and understanding people’s wants and desires.

Ritual, which is essentially what a ceremony represents, has an element of theatricality to it. I am careful to point out that this doesn’t undo the solemnity or the importance of the occasion nor does it render it a performance, but it does mean that a sensitivity to symbolism and the retelling of stories should be an important aspect of ceremony.